ohbygolly:

Tips for surviving Santa photos - CNN.com

Parenting.com has provided this article including things parents can do to make for a pleasant visit with Santa. Based on my Santa-photo expertise I’d say it’s a darn good list. However, they have missed a few of the “What Not To Dos” so I’ve taken the liberty of spelling them out myself.

What not to do when taking your child to visit Santa:

• Do not ask Santa to put on his hat and coat in a 68 degree shopping mall. He’ll got hot, sweaty, and consequentially stinky. This odor will offend your children and possibly make them cry.
• Do not dress them up in fancy Christmas outfits. Children know that when you force them into sparkly dresses and sweater vests that something unpleasant awaits. Example: church.
• Do not get your hopes up. It is best to approach Santa photos with low expectations. In the off chance that your photo turns out to be a keeper, then you’ve got something to be merry about.

Santa-phobia

ohbygolly:

Many children suffer from Santa-phobia at some point during their young lives. Sure, the concept of a jolly fat man who brings presents seems great and all, but a child’s encounter with St. Nick can be, well, terrifying.

Today, a young boy, probably about 5 years old, was afraid of Santa. Nothing unusual there. However, said boy knew the importance of delivering his wish list to the man in the red suit. On the first go he attempted to shout his list at Santa while maintaining a safe distance. His second strategy was to use his mother as a pawn by pushing her towards Santa thinking she would deliver the list on his behalf. After a brief recess at the play land, he returned for his third and final approach. He dashed across the set, flailing his list in the general direction of Santa and exited the set never to be seen again. Mission accomplished.

The Code of the Elves

ohbygolly:

From the movie “Elf”:

“Let’s recite the “Code of the Elves”, shall we?

1. Treat everyday like Christmas.

2. There’s room for everybody on the nice list.

3. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singling loud for all to hear.”

I feel it necessary, based on my elfish experience, to make some adjustments to the code.

1. Do not treat everyday like Christmas. Can you imagine how much fatter and broker our country would be if we did? Instead, how about “Be nice to everybody even on days that aren’t Christmas.”
2. There’s room for almost everybody on the nice list. Note that the operative word here is ‘almost’. I think we can all agree that Jerry Sandusky will not make the list this year.
3. I agree that singing loud for all to hear probably is the best way to spread Christmas cheer. But sending Christmas cards featuring your distraught child wriggling off of Santa’s lap is a close second.

Christmas Traditions

ohbygolly:

To many, the preservation of Christmas traditions is of the utmost importance. For example, one of my most-cherished family traditions is watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation around a box of pizza. However, I’ve learned over the years that sometimes you have to let old traditions go and start new ones (like building a miniature toy shop with your Lego-obsessed boyfriend). So in honor of starting new traditions, here is a list of new traditions at the Santa set, and a few of the oldies-but-goodies as well.

New traditions:

• Answering to new a new Head Helper (manager) who smells like Jack Daniels and smokes like a chimney. Someone should tell her that Santa frowns upon smoking chimneys.
• Enforcing a new personal photography policy. “Yes, ma’am, you may take your own photos but you may not stand in the red-carpeted area, you cannot use your flash, and no, I do not know how to turn the flash off on your camera.”
• Wearing an apron without pockets. Where am I supposed to keep my Candy Cane chap stick?

Age-old classics:

• This exchange between Santa and me: Me - “Okay now everybody say cheese!”, Santa - “She’s from Wisconsin. Can’t you tell? All she can talk about is cheese. Next time let’s say ‘cookies’!”
• Snapping photos of toddlers who are so deathly afraid of Santa that they silently scream for a worrisome 10 to 15 seconds until they suddenly inhale sharply and then really start to let the decibels loose.
• Feeling sorry for myself because my 4-year Philosophy degree has brought me to this. I’m a Christmas elf who can’t get a full time job to save her life or her holiday sanity.

It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas

ohbygolly:

This month Santa Claus makes his big arrival at shopping malls across the nation ready for another season of flash bulbs, screaming children, and lots of ho-ho-hos. He has grown out his beard, readied the reindeer, and filled his flask with eggnog prepared to enchant children of all ages and sell needless photo packages of all varieties. That’s where I come in.

I am Santa’s Helper back for a third season of merriment. I’m a multifaceted ‘elf’ armed with state-of-the-art shutter speed, high-quality printers, extra change, and a fake smile that makes my face hurt.

I come from a special breed of Helpers, as it requires a twisted amount of masochism to do what we do, Christmas after Christmas. Yet year after year, there is something that makes us come back. I’d like to tell you it’s that one precious moment when a child looks into Santa’s eyes and believes, but it’s really the fact that it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and I need some extra cash.

Santa Will Return at 2:00

ohbygolly:

What you are about to read may shock you: Santa Claus is human.

It’s true. He poos and pees just like you and me. How does he make his reindeer fly, squeeze through chimneys, and bring gifts to the homes of children all over the world in just one night? The answer: magic dust. If it weren’t for the magic dust Santa would be an average Joe with an above-average sense of generosity.

When he’s not visiting children at the mall Santa has other tasks to tend to like feeding the reindeer and checking up on the elves. And goodness knows he has to find time for the Mrs. So if Santa is scheduled at the mall from 10AM until 9PM it only makes sense that he would need to take breaks. This seems logical, right? Well as it turns out, this is a very difficult concept to explain to the people of the suburb-which-must-not-be-named.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Sorry honey, but that lady won’t let you see Santa.”

“Can’t you just let us in?”

And then there are the parents who skip the snotty remarks and requests for special treatment. They just sneak in with kids in tow. By setting that kind of example, I’m willing to bet that being on the Naughty List runs in their family.

Careers in Christmas Cheer

ohbygolly:

Job title: Head Helper

Job type: Seasonal

Location: Suburbia

Salary: Paid in candy canes

Generic photography company seeks a qualified Head Helper for Santa operations in your area shopping mall! Are you jolly? Do you enjoy screaming toddlers? Do you have a BA from a well-reputed university but can’t find a real job in this shitty economy? Hurry and apply today!

Qualifications: N/A (Will hire practically anyone)

Responsibilities:

1. Hire and train Santa’s Helpers 
2. Set up sub-par equipment
3. Greet every visitor as if they haven’t been waiting in line for an hour
4. Take photos of children on Santa’s lap - even the ugly ones
5. Peddle chintzy novelty frames with every photo package

Other Requirements:

1. 42+ hours per week
2. 2-6 phone calls from Assistant Head Helper on day off
3. 1 massive holiday headache

To apply send resume to: Santa Claus, North Pole

Resume submitted. 

Three Things

ohbygolly:

Three things you should know before reading this blog:

1. Santa Claus is real.

2. He lives in a shopping mall in a very affluent suburb of Minneapolis, MN.

3. I am his Helper.

Tis the season. Follow along for some hilarious anecdotes on the world of Santa photosets.